Happy New Year

So Monday, January 3rd 2011 was my first day at Fitwit's 6:45 am group and it was an interesting experience. For those who may have read my essay entry into the contest which won me my spot (thank you all by the way), my first session was modified to accommodate my personal weight and health issues for which I am grateful. But if I, or anyone else, thought that they were going easy on me were proven WRONG. I got home feeling like I was hit by a bus and dragged under it for a few miles. And yesterday was my second day... and even then they stepped it down a notch as I was dealing with kidney pain (I passed a few kidney stones that morning...) but was also still recuperating from Monday's work out, and moving slow as everything hurt. But pain is something I deal with everyday, but this was nearly debilitating, as all I could do was come home and sleep for 5 hours. And today, I feel like I was hit by a second bus, thrown under a train, and used by a punching bag by a group of angry boxers. I am walking and moving very slowly and begrudgingly, but I am working through it.

Breathing helps, even though that hurts as well. Slow deep breaths help calm the body as well as allows more regenerative oxygen to flow through the blood stream and help heal the soreness. I am going to be honest here and say that I will not be doing much walking today as my kidney still hurts and my knees feel like someone stuck broken glass under each knee cap, but I will be stretching and working with some 7 pound weights that I have. Hopefully I will get through this enough to accomplish more on Thursday and Friday. I will be there, but maybe none to happy about it... at least that is how I feel now. But there are some things you just have to work through, and I've already been through a lot in my life, and I know that nothing comes easy and without effort. At least it never has for me.

I turn 44 next monday and that means I have been carrying around about 200 extra pounds (i am currently at 492... yeah I know.) on and off for the last 20 - 23 years now and that takes its toll. Not only just on the body, but the spirit and the will as well. So many times I've come close to losing the weight only to plateau 100 pounds from my goal (i'd love to see 250 again) and that can be downright depressing and disheartening. And it feels as if I may never shed this weight without surgical help, but so far, I've never been able to afford it. Its a struggle for sure, but one worth it. I just hope to see results, and right now it is hard to see "pain" as a result. Sure people can say all they want about "no pain no gain" and that they work through the pain. Pain is different for different people, and so far, the trainers at FitWit seem to appreciate that and show a compassion and willingness to work with you in managing it, but still encouraging you to find a way to work through it, and I appreciate that. Yesterday I was unable to go to my artist community meeting and was disappointed about that. I didn't blame myself, mind you, but just realized that I couldn't walk or move without every inch of my body screaming in pain. I would not have been able to enjoy the meeting in that condition, so I opted to stay home and rest.

But I tried not to sit or lay in one place for too long. I made a choice to get up and move around as much as I could. I read some (Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis), killed some zombies (Left for Dead 2), watched the Rebel Alliance kick some evil Galactic Empire butt (Return of the Jedi), played with my cats (Talon and Claire) making them chase me as I drug a toy around the room, and did some job hunting (Career Builder, CL, Job Fox, etc). I desperately need a job or some form of income as I think my unemployment benefits end in 2 weeks (unless I am one of the few to be granted extensions), and that stress is also heaped on the pain from the work out, the pain from the kidney, and the other stuff I deal with on a daily basis. If it sounds like I'm whining, so be it. Whine whine whine. Its all part of the process, right?

Tonight I hope to have the strength to make it out the door to my worship and prayer night at church as I could use that right now. I didn't sleep well last night. Had lots of disturbing dreams and kept waking up feeling like crap. So I may nap today for a short while, take a hot shower and ease myself out the door. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I think I've said enough. I'll post more towards the end of the week, but felt this would be an opportunity to be open and honest about my experience, which is something I will unapologetically do as I am far beyond worrying about my image or what others think of me. I think it best to be honest to myself and for myself. And that is why I am doing this fitness program for myself. So as much as I appreciate any and all outside encouragement and critique (again thanks to all who have been supportive so far) I will push myself the hardest. I need this. I want this.